Translucent reality
by Joker.Ruminate
Summary: He looked at me with speculative eyes. Frustrated, he faltered as he questioned my sexuality. I told him I was completely straight. 'I'm a guy. Of course I'm interested in girls.' So the pink haire- G looked at me with an incredulous look, shaking his head in disapproval. He gently sighed, forcing himself to calm down. Rubbing his neck and temples, he responded. 'You're a girl.'
1. Ch1- Transmigration

Disclaimer: KHR is not mine and will never be, the wonderful Akira Amano does. Thank her for creating it.

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Warning: Bad grammar and spelling... SWEARING... a lot... depends :p. I do not own the cover image. It's temporary until I can colour the one I drew. ._.

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The soft, stable clicks of the clock's hand led me to question my mental stability everyday. The buzzing of the silence progressively increasing my curiosity.

I may be slightly smarter than the average, slightly more patient than the average but lying on your back all day, having no prospect of progress on anything at all. No action, no movement but eating, sleeping and... and taking a number 2 or 1 in diapers were just... pointlessly irritating.

Annoying, waste of my time, aggravating, mocking, infuriatingly painful... provokingly maddening.

Anything to take me away from this damn crib, from this room would be wonderful, fantastic and god damn magical.

Would be my thoughts everyday.

Well, until I finally thought of practicing how to speak, stand, walk and finally... finally pinch off my diaper and take a good look at my genitals.

Which in turn, led me to think of how stupid I was to spend several months pitying myself and my sorry state. Numb muscles from my arm stretching to slap my forehead in annoyance.

I sighed, exasperated.

"What a **hassle"**

Oh my god... who was that? Am I going crazy, am I finally insane?

It took me a couple of minutes to realize who said that and capture a pair of stiff, trembling hands flip up quickly. Said hands held up towards the ceiling for 5 long majestic minutes.

I could speak.

Holy honey sugar god of the magical candy land.

I mean... I could swear now... i mean, i could communicate to my mommy dear.

Now... now to move onto strengthening my muscles. To check if i was still a male. To slowly rip the diaper.

Of course i was still a male. I mean what sort of god would put a 16 year old male in a female body?

 _ **2 months later**_

A fucking sadist, of course.

Would you look at that... down there. There's no ding dong. There's no sausage. No wiener.

Somebody help me. Dear lord, life is precious and insanely beautiful but at times it's equally as disturbing.

It's painful.

Even if i was just reborn as a girl now, it feels like my male genitalia was harshly cut off.

I-i could just ignore it. I guess?

No big deal, right?

I questioned myself. Reassuring myself. Yea... i would be fine...

I'm just gonna go through my life as a girl. Not like losing my penis was a big deal.

Existential crisis, resolved? Yea, probably. I could just have a sex change.

Is there one at this time anyway? I haven't exactly figured out what year and day i was in.

If there wasn't one and i'm way back at the past.

I'm gonna have people call me daddy. I swear i will let their existence remind me that i was a guy before. Because there was no way in hell i was gonna go through hormones, puberty, romance and all those magical stuff as girl. I'd be gay.

There's no problems with gays but i am straight. Will always be. Yea... i would.

Now to get back to reading.

Picking up the old looking book and sloppily opening it. I finally realized. That the words were in another language. A language that i vaguely remembered studying at year 7-8.

It was in italian. And i barely remember the language.

Now you may retort back to me by saying that 'isn't it lucky that you know even a little bit of it to start off on?'

Now, my young ducklings, yes it is.

You remember the time i told you that i have patience that's slightly above average? Well my beautiful munchkins. I won't be able to wait that long.

The world i'm in becomes so much more beautiful every time i blink. Note the hatred and sarcasm laced in this thought.

Shit just keeps getting better because all my fucks have already been freed and to be honest, i need an alternative. So i'm gonna throw shit at life. As. much. as. possible.

Where is my mother? I need a change of diapers.

 ** _2 more years_**

It took me 2 more years to figure out what date it was. From the books, from the news and from the gossip.

It took me 2 years to notice i was an orphan. I just had my own room because the orphanage was quite spacious. Quiet and old, though brand new and noisy at the same time. Beautiful but ancient.

14 bedrooms and 9 children. I get paranoid each time the clock ticks and somebody walks down the hall, the wooden floorboards creaking eerily.

They nearly scared me shitless when they opened the door to check if i was sleeping. I swear the person responsible for this orphanage was doing this on purpose. Opening the door excruciatingly slow to scare the crap out of me. Which, let me tell you, actually did. I cried so much just to get sweet sweet revenge.

You see, i read books most of the time, Alessia, the person responsible of the orphanage, checked up on me. Gently reminding me to go to sleep worriedly. I would, after an hour or 2 when it was 12 p.m.

Now i would describe Alessia to be a little better than an average looking girl, brown hair and green eyes. I would say she was beautiful in her own way though.

Alessia's troubled expression would meet mine every night. It would harden even more each night.

Finally, she thought of a plan. And well, as you know. It was to scare me.

I think she was planning to just scar me 'slightly'.

She didn't know it would loosen my bowels and shit would come rushing out. Her face contorted in disgust as the smell floated around the air. It just wouldn't stop flowing same goes for the tears. Both my ass and my eyes burned.

I remember it so vividly, even the feeling. It scarred me enough to sleep at 10 p.m. and it scared Alessia enough to be careful around the halls. Which just made it worse. Or she was doing this on purpose because she figured out i was crying just to get revenge.

Story time over though, Alessia established before this incident that i was some sort of genius for knowing this much. Alessia barely even knew how to read and write. Though she tried her best to teach me.

January 1st, 1607.

It's so god damn far back and it just gets better from there.

Cecilia Silvano. The start of the name came from my mother but the rest was all Alessia. Silvano...

I was born in May 16th, 1606. Approximately 6 months old. My parents? I don't have a father she says. I have a mother she said. Typical, i would think. Though i was just kindly accepted in the orphanage because of my mother. She gave birth at the streets with the help of Alessia, fortunate enough to stumble through her. And, i was born at the streets out of some sort of miracle, at the cost of my mother's life.

I really didn't know how to react to that sort of revelation. It wasn't typical, i would think. It was painful to feel but there was nothing to react to . I didn't know her, she didn't take care of me but just the thought of her going through the birth, begging Alessia to accept me and weakly mutter her last name just to give me something to know the me here as... just made living here so much more painful.

Everything wasn't so sappy and harsh in the... 'future'. The place where i used to live. Well, developing countries still go through this but...

Everything was given to me and when i went through that 'questioning my existence in this world' or 'what's the meaning of life face ' 'phase', i foolishly thought how there was no point in life when there was people who would wish for food, for clothes... for a family just like mine.

I realized that but i refused to accept the reality in front because somewhere... somewhere, there was just something better. Anime... worlds, you know? There was nothing to reassure me that that was true. So... i didn't want to live.

And i never got through that phase until this revelation. I wanted to live that life again, so desperately. I was in a safe haven. That was utopia. I thought i was strong. Being exposed to this much pain and the poor ways of living in this time was just too much.

I thought i could handle it. But i couldn't...

I sighed exasperatedly. Another existential crisis. Great.

I'm thinking about depressing things again. Jeez, i just promised to myself that i'll live this 2nd chance of mine to the fullest. I would make a change. To help people out there through the pain, you know?

I still do love procrastination. So i'll just do what i can to selfishly live a life i can tell myself was 'good' enough.

That's not the point now though.

I GOT A LOOK OF MYSELF.

And god damn i was good looki- Cute.

Alessia would always comment at how my hair was colored abnormally.

Soft white hair that would glisten when exposed to the sunlight and light blue eyes that scared the living daylights out of Alessia once. She said it was glowing in the dark. I didn't know how to respond... So i told her it was just 'cool'. I had pale skin, my face was just adorable and i was simply contemplating at how beautiful my mother is to be able to make 'me'. Overall, i looked like a fragile doll.

...I have anime hair.

Oh yes i do.

I got dem power.

Next thing i know. I'm actually in an anime.

I will majestically turn into a magical girl and kick ass .

Wearing a white button up shirt and light blue overalls that looked worn out, i trudged down the stairs.

Waking up from a baby crying their heart out was irritating. I heard the source downstairs so i grumpily decided to check what it was.

I heard the soft hums of Alessia's voice. Trying to calm down the baby. I strode towards her uncomfortably. Gently yanking at her dress.

She quickly looked at me with panic stricken eyes and i sighed.

"Pull some funny faces, Alessia. The kid'll calm down." I said tiredly.

She quickly complied, trusting my words .

The crying gradually became quieter replaced by soft gurgles and adorable giggling. If i get strong enough i will hold onto this child.

Alessia relaxed. Though her posture was still stiff.

"He was abandoned...", She spoke up, her hands trembling with what you'd think would be anger. She was scared. For herself if this child was someone important or for the child itself.

"Unlikely Alessia. Just relax and do what you do best. Smile and take care of people. Because if you're afraid, the kids will wonder and mirror you. Since they are still children." I softly replied.

She quietly laughed ," I'm older than you but you're smarter. I've experienced more but you're wiser. Why is that..."

" You're not expecting me to answer?" I asked, eyeing her, half lidded.

Alessia gently rocked the baby and lulled him(?) to sleep, "... No. Because it may just be a simple reason."

She smiled warmly down to my figure.

I returned the expression though a little stiff.

True... It is. I was given a second chance in life and i'm living through it.

Standing next to this 15 year old women, i nodded.

" Do you know his name?"

She sadly shook her head, her hair bouncing as she carefully adjusted her hold of the baby, "Unfortunately, no. I just saw this child abandoned at the path. I couldn't just leave him if we have this much space in the house."

A frown slowly crept on my face though i would i say i was internally smiling, "Are you planning to name him...?"

"Him... and yes... I very much do. I thought you were about to disagree of this idea. There's not much food to give to all the children in the orphanage and now we have to have room for one more. We... we can handle it, i'm sure." She reassured me.

" I mean i would have even though i worry that you don't eat much already but you seem to favour this child quite a bit." I responded, amused.

She giggled, "Anyway, do you have any ideas for this child's name?"

I slowly raised a brow. I do.

I laughed inside. A smile threatening to split my face as i thought of the last name of my sister's favourite anime character.

Giotto Taru, was it?

From the anime Katekyo hitman reborn.

I chuckled, Alessia patiently looking at me with twinkling eyes.

The name's too weird though.

"No. I'm horrible at naming stuff..." I answered, a small pout on my face.

She sniggered, "How cute."

I blushed slightly, shivering in discontent "Alessia stop, just no..."

She eyed me weirdly. An awkward silence playing between us.

A little panic electrocuted my body as I nervously spoke up, " So have you thought of a name, yet?"

Alessia held her gaze at me but she finally let go and smiled, "Yes. I've thought of a perfect name."

I smiled. Typical. Always creative, she would've been a brilliant student in school.

" Giotto Taru. His name is Giotto Taru. "

Giotto Taru? ...

I choked from my spit and a elegantly tripped. I floorpalmed. The floor majestically smothering my face, smelling like a musty toaster.

That's probably just a coincidence... I looked at the child, calming my breathe.

"Are you alright? Was it too bad?" She panicked rushing towards me, trying not to wake the baby.

Now that i get a good look at him... He does have a little strand of blonde hair. Definitely a coincidence.

" I-i'm fine... just, why Giotto Taru?" I shakily questioned.

" W-well, when i checked his eyes. It was an abnormal colour like your hair. I-it wasn't white but it was light sunset orange. It just looked so mesmerizing and gentle. I felt as if i was sort of accepted? Which is weird because why would a baby accept me. I mean, Giotto means Gentle ruler... s-" Alessia stuttered.

The noise of my body hitting the ground interrupted her panicked speech.

I'm not familiar with the series but i'm familiar with my sister's fangirl rantings.

Maybe this was just a big coincidence. Or I just jinxed myself and shit just got real.

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Sorry, i had to get off the couch... I'll go back to it don't worry. It's too precious. It's 3:05 AM so i wouldn't be surprised if i jump on it.

pls tell me if there's anything wrong with it lol. It's sort of my first fanfic.

Hope you enjoyed it, i guess...


	2. Ch2- Embrace it

Entry #1

Cool and crisp.

Damp.

Wet.

Shivering, shuddering, quivering, quaking, trembling, throbbing-

 **In pain.**

 **Sobbing, snivelling, weeping, whimpering-**

 **In REGRET.**

I don't know how long it's been. I don't how many piercing cold thoughts have silently paced around in my mind.

Maybe days, months, years. I don't even know anymore.

I don't know if I just have a sliver of hope left in myself. Hoping that someday. Somewhere. Whoever.

Will save me.

I can't smell.

I can see, a glowing light blue-lab. Scattered papers all over tables, panicking abused 'human beings'.

I can still taste. It's always the same. Metallic, a cardboard like taste. Sickening, distressing.

My hearing? Inadequate. Hushed and agitated voices are somewhat audible. My screams, my screeches are barely heard.

My sense of touch? Numb. Though, in times where I see myself getting moved to a different room, straps wrapping around my body, the scalpel gently carving round this... this sack of flesh, other 'parts' connecting what I 'lost', the stitches meeting my flesh and another's, the needles meeting my body parts, feels annoying, excruciatingly painful, irritating, traumatic-

 **It hurts.**

Today. It hurts even more. It never subsides. The books were you read that pain gets easier as you go through more, is god damn crap.

Lies, Lies, LIES.

It never gets easier. I never stop hearing, feeling the screams of others that merge with me. They frighten me to the core. They're not mad at me, they never shout at me, they never blame me. No. No, no they don't. They scream for the pain to finally stop. For the lord god, for Satan, for death, to embrace them.

Elders, Adults, Adolescents, Children alike. I see them. I see those who still consider themselves as 'human beings' cut away actual humans. And they scream, oh god, they scream so loudly. I hear them more than myself.

I wish they took away my sense of touch, my hearing, my sight, my ability to taste. But no. No, they don't. They take away my sense of smell.

It never goes right here. What you hope to happen never happens. You hope for the pain to get easier, for someone to find you, for something good to finally happen. No, no it doesn't- never happens.

It's like your luck has also been stripped away from you.

I used to pray. It never comes true.

'Maybe if I had more patience', 'more faith' 'more-'... Bull.

God can't help me. No, no he can't. Neither can Satan, neither can I, neither can god damn others.

I bit someone before. The taste of their blood was desirable. Satisfying. And it scared the crap out of me. That couldn't have been me. Probably someone who was stitched up to me. Yea, yea that's right.

 **I'm still human.**

Even if I thought of- even if I killed one of them. They were monsters. And I...

I believed, I wasn't.

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Chapter 2 - So it's true? ...Dammit.

 **3 years later**

Oh. Oh lord. This child is god damn... ADORABLE.

Who has blessed this child with these looks. Kami-sama, you beautiful, beautiful, majestic entity. Oh, I love you so.

Said child was going through teething, an irritated glare resting on his cute face. It met up with mine, mock hurt replacing my warm smile. He held tightly to my hand, ready to snack on it.

" Aww, you so cute, little bro. " I giggled, excitedly pinching his cheeks.

They're so soft!

" SQUEE! " I screeched out, fangirling.

I think I may just... 'JUST' understand my sister's fangirling habits.

The sounds of footsteps entered my ears followed by the ever so familiar and caring voice, " And here we have our extravagant bird. You see, this bird is one of a kind. A very rare-"

" Alessia!" I blushed, hiding my face. Alessia's bubbly laughter lightening up the room. God damn Christmas tree.

Unknown to me, there was a second set of eyes lazing around the room and finally to me.

" Weird woman." A red- no, no, pink haired brat called out.

" Pink-haired brat. " I calmly retorted. Rage bubbling in me. I'm a god damn man, thank you very much. I so will cut my hair in the future.

" It's god damn red!" He raged.

I mentally cheered, I wasn't the first to rage. Lord, finally.

" Have you even seen yourself, dude?"

"Dude? " A forgotten individual voiced out, soon to be ignored.

" At least I don't look like an old hag!" He shouted.

" It's silver! Are you blind!?" Oh and there I go.

" Back at you old hag!" ... he's a retard.

" Fight me you small little midget!" He deserves an ass- beating.

" BRING IT ON, HAG!"

"Alright. Stop this at once, Gabrielle, Celilia."

Two averaged sized hands whacked our baby heads.

" I'm only 5, dammit." I sniffled.

" And my hair's red. Dammit. " He mocked ... this sweet, sweet child is the biggest glorified cretin, I've ever met.

A loud audible smack came from a head and a hand.

" I regret pranking people. Is this my punishment? What's a 'dude' anyway?" Alessia facepalmed.

" AH HAH! So you did shove vinegar in my food and expired milk! I was stuck in the bathroom for 2 days!" I recalled.

" Serves you right. " The pink- haired boy mentioned.

" You're a god damn dickfor. " I replied, giggling internally.

" ... What's a dick for? " Both asked.

" Oh you sweet. Sweet children. "

1612 September 15, A beautiful doll like girl, died on the floor laughing.

" What is wrong with her?" The boy looked at me with disgust.

" I don't know my child." Alessia soon followed the boy's example.

Oh god. Wait... Does the word dick not even exist at this time?... Dammit.

A loud gurgle came from my cute little otouto. Demanding attention.

" Ah... Ahniki!"

Now this. This heavenly being is a sweet sweet child. He started calling out this name when he was around 2. Oh, I love you so.

" Otouto!" I gushed, gently slapping the brat away to get to my little bro.

"Aniki" He acknowledge, nodding in accomplishment.

Did he just? What the hell, bro? I trusted you!

"Serves you right... you glorified dunce." The other youngling living on the floor spluttered.

"Serves you right, you glorified cretin." I countered.

" ANIKI!" My bro shouted.

" OTOUTO!" I replied looking back at my little bro worriedly.

He stopped. He looked at me silently. Then... And let me just tell you that I will never forget this disappointing moment for me and my surrogate brother.

He just 'shook' his head.

My 3 year old brother, stopped shouting at me, looked at me and 'shook' his head 'disappointedly'.

I tear ran down my face.

Oh. You sweet, sweet child.

" ... Lord... I think I just learned 10 new words today. I'm not even going to bother to introduce you to each other. " Alessia sighed, tiredly as she turned around and walked away.

" ... Oh screw this. I'm not-" The boy replied, ready to walk out the room with Alessia.

"G!" My heavenly child called out.

And then and there, I choked. G!?

"G?" 'G' acknowledged.

"G!" Giotto happily gurgled.

" ... G... huh." Gabri- no, G apparently approached my little brother and looked down at him. A small smile replacing his frown resting his eyes, a shade darker than his hair colour, on my Giotto.

My cute bro giggled in glee. Clapping in success at his new found accomplishment and I just continued to choke. I KNEW HE LOOKED FAMILIAR! I just knew it. In the back of mind, I knew that this 'brat' was Giotto's storm guardian was it? Screw this, i'm gonna be his right-hand man!

" NOOO! YOU CAN'T! DON'T SUCCUMB AT THE DARK SIDE BROTHER!" I shouted, jumping at G.

" What the hell!?" He squawked, falling on the ground with me.

" I'LL DRAG YOU DOWN WITH ME!" I cried out.

" What is happening in here-" Alessia hastily walked in, gave us one long look and nodded, "Sorry for disturbing you two-"

" THE HELL YOU DID! WE'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING! " Both of us shouted.

I'm changing so much stuff by just being here. Screw it, I do whatever I want to fate and destiny because I know, that I'll keep them safe whatever the cost.

 **3 year time skip (So many timu skipssssssss)**

" ...G" I whispered out behind his ear.

" Oh lord god heavenly king! OH GOD ALMIGHT FATHER!" He jumped, grabbing a stick and shoving it to my face as I barely dodge it.

" You could've poked out my eye, Gabrielle." I called out, slightly winded.

" Then don't whisper in people's ears like that and when the hell did you start calling me G!?" He retaliated, waving the stick around.

He looked ridiculous to anyone passing by. So I didn't say anything.

" Just now. My bro told me to so I did." I answered him, rubbing my head sheepishly.

" DO IT WHEN I'M NOT URINATING!" He blushed, flustered.

" Aww come on, we're both guys and plus... we're kids." I smiled.

" LAST TIME I SAW YOU IN THE BATH, YOU WERE A GIRL! A WOMAN!"

" I consider myself as a guy."

" GO KISS YOUR ASS."

" I love how you use the words that I've taught you correctly. Call me daddy than Cecilia instead, son!"

" The fuck!?"

" You are worthy of my love!"

" I won't take it!"

" YOU SOON WILL."

" NEVER! YOU AREN'T WORTHY OF 'MY' LOVE! "

Soft footsteps echoed throughout the forest. Blonde tuffs of hair bouncing as his warm orange eyes rested on our figures, shaking his head in disappointment. A smooth smile resting between his cheeks... I'm sorta jealous that he's going to be a heartthrob in the future... damn, these guys are gonna be too handsome in the future.

And me, you ask? I'm just gonna be this... 'girl'...

Yea... just this 'girl'.

... So I've accepted that I've been reborn in an anime?

So it's true. Dammit.


	3. ch3- Deprived

Oh lord, it's been a while. So sorry. I didn't even write a long chapter.

Disclaimer: I do not own KHR.

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Entry #2

I hear it. They're mumbled steps. It sounds… stressed?

Panicked maybe..

Ah, wait...Disgruntled is the word I'm looking for.

That's right, their footsteps are frantic. Playing a sharp note along with the music my surroundings played.

Disgusting.

I don't know why and I refuse to learn of the reason why but an eerie feeling always stems when I hear their rhythm.

I'm used to the whispers now. Not to the pain but i'm glad the screams have died down to whispers from time to time.

I hear new screams emerge outside the confines of my cell.

I hear giggling from time to time. Proud. Full of pride, ego.

Ugly. Very ugly.

I think the screams outside died down.

The next thing I realize is the soft click of confident footsteps and my body goes haywire.

They were dragging me and the whispers turned to screams.

As always, I was strapped, cleaned and then came my blood curdling shouts for help.

* * *

I was walking down the streets. Ragged clothes gripping onto my sweat covered body, not too dirty but not too clean either.

I was tired. Tired and hungry.

Then there was the issue of a huge crowd pushing adults, adolescents and children aside in an unneeded hurry. I cursed at them. I was in a hurry as well.

I heard the hard steps, frantic, angry, they were probably the people I just robbed earlier.

It was so easy. To bump into them and slip my hands inside they're unattended pockets. I say that but they caught me and honestly, my pride cracked a little. It was quite a shock to realize that the next course of actions made were a seemingly endless chase and colourful cursing. Didn't even know what half of their words were, I really should practice my Italian, I mused to myself as I continued to ponder off into a wonderland of thought, panic and fear..

It's been going on for about 8 minutes. My was face was flushed and I admit I'm running out of stamina. I needed to find my brothers quickly before I actually died from exhaustion cause I certainly felt like I would collapse and die at the sidewalk.

I'm going to hunt these old geezers if they actually end up to be the cause of my early death. I'll murder them in their sleep in some way if they separate me from my brother. I continue my search and escape and while my strides towards a practiced route were panicked and my breathe was erratic there was a seemingly cold aura that surrounded me. Made me wonder why people avoided me but I was grateful for their kindness all the same.

Uncut and disheveled hair slapped at my rear, bangs layered out and glued to my skin due the moisture every second of my tired disposition created. I want them god damn cut. Good lord, I feel like stabbing a man but I can't exactly regret it now. My brother told me my hair was pretty. Gave me the puppy dog eyes when I had a knife in my hands ready to cut it. In reluctance I responded with a strained 'I need to cut it.' then he looked like he was about to cry. And oh baby jesus did that just stab me in the heart and withered some of it away. I remember that G and Alessia were confused and furious at what happened and why Giotto was about to cry. I would be lying with my cold ass if regret didn't burn me for the next couple of seconds of nagging with mama Al or better known as Alessia.

Oh, my precious cinnamon bun, Giotto. For you, I'd do anything. I'd grow my hair out, I'd learn manners, I'd learn the struggles of a girl but I literally won't love a boy. I can't be gay. Nothing wrong with being gay but it just seems uncomfortable thinking about my love life and what straight is for me now.

Lost in thought, it took time to notice a pink flash rushing over, tightly gripping me and painfully dragging me away to a safer area.

In a couple more minutes of utter torture, G Uses the wall for support to catch breath and I slump on the ground on all fours, tired and messy.

We shook the geezers off, I think. Something blooms in my chest. Was that a little bit of respect for the brat? It was an impressive display, I think the kid just outsmarted the people chasing us. I may be giving him more credit than he's worth of though, he's still an ass.

"What the hell, Cecilia? You scared the living daylights out of m- Giotto!" Face red in rage, he tiredly points towards me in accusation.

"We see you bump into a couple of guys and then they were just screaming running after you while you sprinted off. If Giotto wasn't there, I wouldn't have noticed and you wouldn't have had your ass saved by me!" His voice is muffled by the quick and soft footsteps I can only safely assume is my brother's.

I bow my head in apology, too tired to argue with Gabrielle.

"I'm sorry" A tiny voice escapes from my mouth. "I was just… trying to help."

G's gaze softens but the hard gleam still remains as he opens his mouth to nag again. My sweet brother's presence rescues me from G's words.

Thank god.

"G. Please? C-can we just let it go? W-we're tired, we n-need food and w-we gotta get back home." Giotto gently interrupted. His voice was meek, soft. My head rises to check his state. He looked thin, just like the rest of us. Bony. Like skeletons.

It still didn't diminish Gio- No, both of they're looks. Their killer looks were already showing at this age. I was jealous. I looked like a pale ghost in comparison. Someone that looked about ready to haunt and murder.

G sighed glancing at me with a slightly guilty look, "Sorry, I was just… Nevermind."

He gave out another sigh, his eyes baggy and dark. Looks just like the rest of the children left alive in the orphanage.

Children. A boy at the age of 9 already sighing, tired, at this age. My brother at the age of 5, already trying to be the mature figure between the both of me and Gabrielle. Then there was me 24… Already 24 and I still act like a child. I can't seem to swallow the thoughts of responsibility even if I seem like I do.

These depressing thoughts, won't ever leave me, will they?

No one answered.

In return I gave G a fatigued smile, taking out the wallets I stole. Some were light, some were decently packed enough.

"Again, I apologize as well." Standing up with support from my worried brother, I tilted my head towards the nearest bakery I know of in this town. "Come on, we gotta waste this money on something, for example, food, right?"

Giotto gave me a soft grin. Adorably might I add as G grunts and steps off towards the store I indicated at.

"Thanks." I ruffled my brother's hair, him giggling in an attempt to pry my hands away from his fluffy head, signs of the gravity defying hair already growing.

"Cecilia! My hair's getting messed up!" He shouted in an attempt to make me stop.

A chuckle escaped from my mouth as I dragged him towards the store, "It's already messed up, my dear brother. Looks good messy so i'm just adding in my own touch of messy."

He groaned in response as I handed G a couple of wallets and left some in my pocket unattended.

He nodded, showing gratitude with the way his body moves and his eyes lingers to say a quiet thank you.

Tsunderes… I can reluctantly say can be adorable sometimes.

Time passed, we got some bread, more than we could have thought of but it was just another daily routine for us. We were talking, teasing each other while walking towards the orphanage in a hurry.

2 more children to feed. I hope none of them starved to death, again.

* * *

Alessia was… how to say this… I loved her. The way she sacrifices her own well-being. The way she blushes when I try to teach her something new and she doesn't seem to understand at times. The way she's clumsy, when she stutters, panics and starts fiddling with the hem of her shirt or sleeves.

The way she is towards anything, everything and to me.

Seeing her this pale, this bony. Sacrificing her own share and working for the children left in the opha- no, it was nearly just a house now.

It was a painful sight. Each time one fell to an infection, each time one starved and each time one died, she blamed herself. Shut herself out little by little.

Though, she still greets me and the Children with a brilliant smile. A good mask.

She would've have been a great actor. Would've been great with ANY job to be honest. She was a hard worker.

Alessia cried at the night. Her sobs bearly muffled by her hands and clothes. Did she know I heard her? Maybe the others could hear her too. Giotto and G had dark circles around their eyes at this age. They probably knew. The others? Sometimes but they seemed to be ignorant. Happy to just be… Alive?

It was just like my previous life. Been making the same mistake to the ones I romantically loved, again. I ignored they were in pain. Assured myself that everything will be fine, just make her laugh, make her smile and as long as it stays, I don't have to worry.

Cosette. My very first love. Not a crush but the one that tortured my heart and healed it all the same in my previous life.

Now. Again. It seemed as if it was just another cycle. Another process of wake up, get dressed, work and make her smile.

She did. She did smile. So everything would be okay, right?

My brothers and I reach the orphanage, Giotto, poking me on the shoulder. I was lost in my thoughts and he was worried.

I gave Giotto a forced chuckle and ruffled his hair, G huffing in what I can assume as worry or irritation.

Alessia had a fever. No one was there to wash our clothes for us. We were short on money because she couldn't work at the tavern as well and the nobles wouldn't back up the orphanage anymore. Seems as though a new lord took charge of this house and decided to abandon it or they were just desperate for more money to save.

The little shits.

For 4 weeks, she's been bed ridden and all they could do, as children was wait and cry. Complain and ask her not to go. Don't leave.

Begged her to stay forever.

It irked me. Made me look at the children in disgust at times. Maybe I was just too used to Giotto and G being grown up but seeing a child snivelling, snot running down his and her nose, complaining, wanting everything to just stop or stay the same, disgusted me.

I felt angry. Rage bubbling. Ready to burst.

My brother's gaze lingered on me worriedly as I gave him a smile to reassure him. I pinched at his clothing and G's, tugging to move faster. Yearning to see Alessia's smile greet us again.

Seems cruel, to hate on children but no one ever told me to be selfless, I told myself to be selfish. Love the people I care, don't trust others.

We opened the doors, the floorboards creaking as the 2 other sets of small feet came to patter quickly towards us. Like ducklings, wanting their mother to feed them.

"Hey, you guys been doing okay? We were out for a day and nearly half . I'm sorry it took that long. We couldn't find many people to… 'work' for." I gave an noticeable pause in the middle of my sentence when mentioning the 'work' we do.

They nod vigorously, trying to say thank you, saying it was fine and eyeing the bag of bread and water with greed. Me and Giotto smiled at them, G just grunted in response and looked the other way, pink staining his cheeks.

Giotto gathered the share of bags for the kids with him and gave me a knowing look, as I sighed in response. I was gripping on Alessia's share.

Damn, my previous sister never mentioned that Giotto was damn sharp. How does he even realize? I swear there's magic involved in this to let my baby brother read me like an open book. EVEN 'G' can't read me as well and I can admit that the brat was smart.

I returned the smile as G followed Giotto to tend with the children while I tend with Alessia.

The train of thought making noise in my mind kept on getting louder as hope and despair were clashing against each other. For 4 weeks she's had a fever, for the last 2, she's been coughing out blood, showing infections and losing weight even though she's been eating more than when she was healthy.

I was worried. Worried sick. My head was aching every time I prepared a meeting and I was always dreading, to find her, dead, in the sheets. Pale and in pain.

I sucked in my breathe and in I came to her room through her door.

She was yelped in surprise, swollen red eyes landing on my presence. A salty and metallic scent of tears and blood come to strangle my nose.

Before I new it, I reached her, holding her in my arms as I dropped the bread and water on a nearby table.

"Cecilia? I-I… I'm sorry you had to find me like this." She gave me a guilty smile, eyes tearing up slightly, burying my head on her shoulder.

"C-cecilia? P-please? Would you let go of me? Yo-you'll catch my sickness." Alessia tries to pull away but she goes limps, gives up and her arms reluctantly wrap around my body, hugging back. Tightly. Looks fragile.

"Don't care." I mumble, my entire body was aching and it just felt numb but painful.

My eyes, my head, down at my chest as well. They were aching because I couldn't do anything.

Why did it hurt this much? Did it mean too?

Before I knew it time passed and I let go, eyes dry, as if a single tear didn't drop, giving Alessia a gentle smile while I grab for the food and drink.

As my thoughts came to wrestle my being, telling me I was weak for crying, a single fact and question rose. She wasn't going to live over the age of 20.

Why her?

She had Tuberculosis and I cursed the heavens for that.

* * *

A couple more days pass, the group surviving with the rations my brothers and I collected.

Alessia? Was getting worse and worse.

Knowing what she had, I never let any of the children in, not even Giotto. I would suck in my breathe, careful not to catch the infection while setting food on the table, giving her a smile, saying good morning, good afternoon and good night as we exchange small talk.

I told her to live a little bit longer because as selfish as I am, I told her that I wasn't ready to lose her. In return, she gave me a short hug and pushed me out softly.

The next day, I found a letter beside her empty bed. Smelled like smoke, like ash, bitter, salty, metallic and sweet all in the same. It made me cry out and gag.

I eventually vomit, heaving heavily as I try to calm down and breathe. Finally calm, quiet and more composed, my hand came over, reaching for the letter weakly.

I saw no body. Not anywhere.

Even in her death, I speculated she chose to leave the house in an attempt to save us the pain of watching her die and I just… I don't know. I felt disgusted and I refused to know what these feelings were meant for.

I read the letter.

It told me just how happy she was to live. Her regrets. What she was proud of. What her life was like. What we were to her.

I couldn't help but scream. Kick, scream and punch. It was ugly.

I hated it.

My brothers came in to find me. Rushed towards me worriedly, eyes glancing over to Alessia's bed. They gaped, gasped, Giotto broke down instantly. G swallowed thickly, surprisingly wrapping both of us into a hug, shoulders trembling, tears flowing silently.

The other 2 children? Stole the wallets and left. I don't know what possessed them. Finn and Rumi. The last 2. The children Alessia considered her own. She loved them and she wasn't even prepared to leave them but had too.

I was scared shitless at their actions. I scared myself shitless at the amount of hatred I emitted when I noticed the fact.

Nearly drowning out the sadness and depression.

If I ever found them, I swear I'd make them suffer and If I never will, I cursed them for hell to come meet them.

It was disgusting. All I had left was my brothers and if anything came in the way with hurting both of them...I don't know… I didn't seem to have the resolve to care about anything but my self loathing at the moment.

It scared me.

Maybe I'd lose my mind. I'd kill whoever took them away. I'd curse the gods and the devil himself.

I don't know.

The three of us stayed in one room, huddled in one bed that night. The house eerily quiet. This time, the sounds of creaks from the wind and floorboard, scared us, no suspicion that it was the children or Ale- our Mother.

It made us cry, made us hug each other tighter.

We were left with nothing but clothes and the broken supplies in this beautiful and ancient house.

We couldn't sleep that night. None of us got a single wink because each others whimpering kept us awake.

* * *

A/n: Cri, Alessia. My baby. One of my early babies.


End file.
